Commercials that don't make sense: Bad drivers edition

It's been a while since we've talked about commercials that don't make any sense, and I don't know about you, but I've missed it!

My darling little baby daughter enjoys many of life's simple pleasures, but I think what she likes the most is waking up at 5AM every day including weekends. This means that I get to see a lot of terrible commercials as I watch Law and Order at zero-dark-thirty Sunday morning while a baby throws Jenga blocks at my face. The first two commercials I'm going to talk about come from that is-anybody-even-watching-this time slot:

1

Nugenix Testosterone Booster

Does it even matter what this product is or what it does? Does it matter what the commercial looks like?

No, it doesn't. Because the name of the product sounds like "eugenics."

You know, eugenics:

How did no one notice this? How is it possible that a product was created and marketed with a name like that, and at no point did someone realize that "hey, this sounds a lot like something Hitler was famous for. Maybe we should change the name?"

Yeah, maybe change it to something less offensive, like Zyklonia or Aryanix.

The fact that it's a testosterone booster just makes this even funnier.

Sorry about your small penis. :-(

2

Catch Caddy

This product. I just ...

It is a device that you put in your car to catch all the things you drop into the "no man's land" between your seat and the center console. So that they don't fall down under the seat where you can't reach them anymore.



Okay, let's be real here: I have only ever dropped one thing down into that space. It was this cool snake ring I wear on my right hand, and while I was driving I noticed that my finger was still wet under the ring from the last time I washed my hands. So naturally, I pulled my ring up my finger and then dried the wet spot on my shirt, but this caused the ring to fall off my finger and into the dreaded no man's land.

When I arrived at my destination, I got out of the car and looked under the driver's seat. There was my ring. I grabbed it, put it back on, and went on about my day.

What I'm trying to say is, if you've been kicked in the head so many times that you now have a serious problem with dropping things between your seat and the center console -- a serious enough problem that you need to spend actual money on a product to help you out of this situation -- then you probably shouldn't be driving at all. You're a danger to everyone on the road.

Speaking of people who are a danger to everyone on the road ...

3

Infiniti Q50

The guy driving this car is so completely distracted that he nearly causes like five accidents on his way to work. The only reason he doesn't crash is because his car has fancy sensors to tell him to watch out.

If I am driving and have one near-miss, my adrenaline starts pumping and I am in a heightened state of awareness for the rest of my drive. I feel like I can hear the thoughts of all the other drivers, and I know what they're going to do before they do it.

If I were to then have a second near-miss somehow, I would realize that I was probably too impaired to be driving (too tired, too stressed, took too much acid) and I would pull over somewhere and get myself together before continuing. A nice big cup of coffee and five minutes in a parking lot with my eyes closed might be all I need.

If I managed to have five near-misses in one f***ing drive, I would set my drivers' license on fire and take the bus everywhere from there on out.

Seriously, this guy has no business being behind the wheel of a car.

4

Liberty Mutual Accident Forgiveness Commercials

There are a couple of these, but the message is pretty much the same: "lol everyone causes major collisions where they total cars and probably injure people. Why should you be expected to take responsibility for that when everyone does it??!"

Dear Liberty Mutual: I have some bad news for you. NOT EVERYONE DRIVES AROUND CAVALIERLY SMASHING INTO PEOPLE AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT LATER!

JESUS.

In the first one of these commercials, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. The guy talks about how you just bought a new car and then "out of nowhere, a pickup truck slams into your brand new car." Your car is totaled, and your insurance won't pay for a new car since your car has already depreciated by several thousand dollars simply by being driven off the new car lot. The commercial concludes by asking "why would you have that insurance?"

And I'm like, wait ... why would ... hang on ... wheels are turning ...

If someone crashed into me and they were at fault, then why does it matter what kind of insurance I have? Their insurance will be replacing my totaled car, and that's that. If they only want to replace up to the depreciated value, I can make a diminished value claim and I should come out even. 

So if I'm in a situation where my own insurance is refusing to replace my car and I'm just SOL, then clearly ... I WAS AT FAULT IN THE ACCIDENT.

So now we're singing a different song, aren't we? Here I am, driving around in a brand new car, when "out of nowhere" I cause a collision so violent that my brand new car is totaled. Read: I cause a collision so violent that it causes $20,000+ in damage to my car (yeah yeah, depending on the car, blah blah blah).

And then I'm mad at my insurance company because I'm out a few grand? What?!? You f***ing asshole guy, I bet you didn't even pay for that car! Your parents probably bought it for you, because you are an entitled little shit. You're probably the type to get super mad at me after you crash into me, too. Like it's my fault you ran a red light and T-boned me. 

In the second Accident Forgiveness commercial I've seen, a girl talks about what bullshit it is that your insurance company raises your rates after you "tap the bumper of some station wagon -- no big deal." 

What the f*** kind of attitude is that to have?! YOU HIT ANOTHER CAR WITH YOUR CAR. IT IS A BIG DEAL.

"What good is having insurance if you get punished for using it?"

"I don't understand why driving into other people's cars should cost me any money."

INSURANCE IS THERE TO PROTECT YOU IN CASE OF UNFORESEEN DISASTERS. IT IS NOT THERE SO THAT YOU CAN DRIVE AROUND SMASHING INTO PEOPLE AND JUST MAKING YOUR INSURANCE PAY FOR IT WHILE YOU LAUGH AND SEND TEXT MESSAGES.

F***.

Now I hate everyone who has Liberty Mutual insurance. Keep your cars the f*** away from mine, you bad-driving distracted-ass catch-caddy-having text-message-sending bumper-tapping drunk high teenage shitheads.

Also, I just remembered that the teenager that rear-ended me at 30mph on Valentine's Day, causing over $5K worth of damage to my new car and forcing me to drive a Chevy Impala for two weeks, had Liberty Mutual insurance.

F***ing figures.

How to pick up chicks at the bar: Pick-up line comics

Have you ever wondered what the best way to pick up chicks at the bar is? Well, I would advise against using any of these pick-up lines. Might go badly for you.

The worst fanfic you ever read: PART 2

Make sure you're caught up on Part 1 before trying to read Part 2. Otherwise, you will be absolutely lost. (you'll be lost anyway, though, because none of it makes any sense.)

___________________________

"And how did that make you feel?" the counselor asks, leaning forward and focusing her soft brown eyes on Justin's face.

"How did it make me feel? To see my girlfriend give birth to a baby that clearly wasn't mine? HOW DID THAT MAKE ME FEEL??!" The rage in his voice is undeniable. "It felt like f***ing shit, Dr. Baldwin! What a stupid question!"

"Now Justin, I need you to calm down and lower your voice. We don't want to bring anger into this room."

"This c**t here is the one who brought anger into this room!" Justin shouts, jerking his thumb towards a bored-looking Princess Leia. "Spreading her legs all over town like a whore!"

Leia yawns. "Babe, you said you wanted to try and work through this. But your attitude is pretty terrible."

Justin's eyes fill with angry tears. "My attitude? MY ATTITUDE?? Look at you sitting there, yawning and picking at your fingernails instead of contributing to this therapy session!" He turns back to the therapist. "Dr. Baldwin, she doesn't even get up with the baby! Says she needs to 'recover from birth' and makes me do all the night feedings! For a baby that isn't even mine!"

"Now Justin, remember, we don't want to get all caught up in 'mine' versus 'yours', and we certainly don't want to get bogged down in discussions of little Luke's paternity. We all agreed to that when we first started these sessions. But let's talk a little bit about fair division of labor at home. Leia, do you feel that you are doing your fair share with the baby?"

Before Leia can answer, a pager on Justin's hip goes off loudly. He looks at the screen and groans. "Leia, we need to go. Justice League emergency."

"Shucks!" she announces with a little smile. "I was looking forward to the rest of this therapy sesh!"

"We'll continue this on Thursday, " Dr. Baldwin says as she follows Justin and Leia to the door. "Both of you need to think about a chores list!" she calls after them as they run down the hallway. "Maybe we'll work on making a chore wheel together!"


When they arrive at the Justice League headquarters, everything is in tumult. "Finally, you're here!" Batman exclaims when they enter the big conference room. "We need to go NOW!"

"What's going on this time?" Leia asks.

"It's Gordon Ramsay! He and the cast of Lost have gotten their hands on a North Korean time machine, and they're about to destroy Wilmington!"

"Oh no, not Delware!" Leia cries.

"No, Wilmington Ohio!" Batman corrects her, shoving them towards the doors. "I'll tell you more once we get on the plane!"

"Where is Elmo?" Leia asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

"He was already in Wilmington, so he'll meet us there! Now come on, there's not time for idle chit-chat! Everyone else is already on the plane!"

But there is no time to talk about it on the plane, because the Justice League plane travels at 95% of the speed of light so they arrive in Ohio almost instantly. The League members quickly disembark in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn, a block away from where Gordon Ramsay and his army is making their stand outside a Dairy Queen.

"They're executing historical figures at an alarming rate," Batman tells the gang as they start walking down the street towards the Dairy Queen. "They keep going through the time portal and bringing back noteworthy historical people, and then they just shoot them point-blank with a shotgun! They've announced that they're going to keep killing an important figure every half hour until their demands are met!"

"Oh no, that's awful!" Taylor Swift says. "What are they demanding? And why did we park so goddamned far away? These six-inch heels are terrible to walk in."

"Apparently, Gordon Ramsey is insisting that FOX produce a Lost movie. He hates the way the show ended, and so he wants a movie that does a better job tying up the loose ends!"

"Wait, how did the show end?" Flo from Progressive asks, looking perplexed. "I gave up after the first four seasons."

"I don't know, actually," Batman responds thoughtfully. "I only made it through season two."

"I don't know anyone who watched it all the way through," Justin contributes.

"I wonder what that smoke monster thing was all about," wonders Taylor Swift, tilting her head to the side like a confused dog.

"Wait, didn't they explain that? It was some kind of security system?" Flo says.

"ENOUGH WITH THE F***ING SPOILERS," shouts Leia, shaking her head. "I still might Netflix it! Anyway, Batman, who have they killed so far?"

"Ugh, it's been a massacre! They've pulled Ghenghis Khan through the time portal, and Hitler, and Pinochet, and now they're threatening to nab Vlad the Impaler and kill him before he gets a chance to torture and murder all those people!"

Flo stops walking and puts a hand on Batman's shoulder, turning him towards her. "Hang on ... those people all sound like jerks that history would have been better off without. Why are we stopping them?"

"Because if they change the past, then they'll change the present as well! Christ, what are you, simple? Haven't you ever seen the Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher? We can't let them murder all those dictators before the dictators have a chance to rise to power! The world as we know it will be completely destroyed!" Batman shakes Flo really, really hard and then punches her in the mouth. She crumples to the pavement. "If Hitler doesn't kill all those Jews, think how many more Jews there will be! Jews everywhere! Is that really a world you want to live in??"

"Whoa, dude," the purple Care Bear says. "That's a super f***ed up thing to say."

"Yeah man," Justin adds. "You can't just walk around saying shit like that."

"Oh whatever, like you're all such great people," Batman says, looking around and seeing all the disgusted faces pointed at him. "He killed a bunch of Gypsies, too," he adds quietly. "Bet you're all secretly thankful for that at least."

"You're awful," Taylor Swift says.

Just then, they arrive in the Dairy Queen parking lot and see Gordon Ramsay standing on a raised podium. "THIS ICE CREAM SUNDAE IS SO MELTED, CLIMATE CHANGE SCIENTISTS ARE USING A PHOTO OF IT TO GET DONATIONS ON FACEBOOK!" he shouts, chucking the sundae at Matthew Fox's face. "GET ME A NEW ONE! I WANT A F***ING PARFAIT THIS TIME."

"Wow, Ramsay looks pissed," Justin whispers as the gang hides behind a corner of the DQ building.

"I still can't believe he managed to get the entire cast here at once," Flo says, her eye slowly swelling shut where Batman punched her. "That must have cost a fortune!"

"You think? I dunno ... I mean, how many of them are working regularly now? I don't see many of them on TV these days," the Hamburglar says.

"Julie Bowen has a great career," Batman hisses. "Modern Family is my fave show!"

"Okay, that's one of them, but what about the rest?" the Hamburglar presses.

"Hey guys," Elmo's voice squeaks from behind them, causing them all to jump. "Are we just gonna stand here, or are we going to kill these bastards and destroy that North Korean time machine?"

Justin Timberlake's face spreads into a wide smile. "Oh, we'll kill some bastards alright," he says, wiggling his eyebrows and winking at Taylor Swift.

"Why are you winking at me?" she asks.


The gang runs out from behind the DQ and stars immediately decimating the Lost cast with samurai swords. Evangeline Lilly gets cut completely in half, and the Iraqi guy gets his head chopped off. The fat guy starts running away, but the Hamburglar catches him easily and chops off his legs with one stroke.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Gordon Ramsay shouts, chucking his parfait into Matthew Fox's face. "Who are these people and why are they killing my cast members?"

"We are the Justice League and we are here to stop you from killing cruel historical dictators! We'll kill as many Lost cast members as we need to until you stop!" Batman shouts, grabbing some random cast member who only had a speaking role in two episodes and slitting her throat from ear to ear.

"You'll never catch me!" Ramsay cries, and then leaps through the time portal.

"Someone needs to follow him!" Leia shouts, running towards the portal.

"I'll get him!" Elmo says, sprinting towards the portal and diving through it.

"Me too!" Justin says, diving through the portal after Elmo.

The Dairy Queen parking lot is total chaos. Lost cast members are being slaughtered right and left, even after they put their hands up and surrender. Women, children, pregnant Australians, even the dog.

But then, things get even crazier. Gordon Ramsay pops back out of the time portal riding a velociraptor and waving a lightsaber around. He starts chasing Batman around and almost manages to decapitate him before Batman manages to leap into the time portal and away from the velociraptor's grasping talons.

The portal opens up again and Justin reemerges, holding hands with a much younger version of himself. The two Justins run up to Leia, who is slowly carving her name into Julie Bowen's back as she cowers on the ground in the fetal position. "Leia," older Justin says. "We want you to be with us. We forgive you for the whole Elmo thing. We just want to be able to be a family. If younger Justin and I both work together, we can easily take care of all the chores and the night-feedings and the diaper changes. You can live like the Princess you are!"

"Plus, imagine the threesomes!" younger Justin adds.

"Well ... you certainly make a good point ..." Leia says uncertainly. "But what about El--"

She is cut off by the sound of Elmo screaming as a T-Rex comes through the time portal with Elmo in its mouth. "Eeeeeeeeeee it's killing meeeeeeee!" Elmo cries. "Help! Help!!!!"

But there is nothing anyone can do, because Gordon Ramsay and his velociraptor are riding back and forth in front of the T-Rex, keeping away anyone who might try to slay it.

Matthew Fox seizes upon this distraction and scurries over to the time portal, gingerly stepping through. Moments later, a giant nuclear warhead flies out and lands in the middle of the parking lot. Matthew Fox comes through right after it, shouting "NAGASAKI, BITCHESSSSSSS!" And then the warhead explodes, destroying all of Wilmington Ohio, the time portal, the entire Justice League, Gordon Ramsey, and the remaining Lost cast members.

Two hours later, Batman walks up, falling to his knees in front of the burned dead body of Flo. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wails. "WHY DID I ONLY TRAVEL TWO HOURS INTO THE PAST! I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS!!!!"

But he totally couldn't have prevented it, so instead he just goes home and raises Leia and Elmo's weird baby to be a Jedi Robin or whatever.

The end.

Drawing Practice: Let's learn to draw elephants that don't suck!

I'm feeling unfunny and uncreative today, and whenever I feel that way, I like to draw a bunch of hideous shit because it makes me feel like no matter how unfunny I am, I am still a terrible artist, and that's a great comfort to me.

So today, we're going to learn to draw elephants. I draw elephants all the time, and I am SUPREMELY awful at it, so I think it's about time I learned how to do a less shitty job of it.

We'll start be recalling just exactly how badly I draw elephants when left to my own devices: 

It hurts my heart to look at this.

Alright, so elephant-drawing could use a bit of a boost. No problem.

Here's the first drawing tutorial I'll be attempting to copy:

How did I do?

You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt.

I made a GIF of my progress on this one, so you could see exactly how much of a pain in the ass it is to follow these stupid drawing tutorials:

I'm feeling pretty good about this elephant, except for the fact that it has a bubble butt bubble butt bubble bubble bubble butt. Other than that, it's fairly elephant-y.

But can I top it? 

Here's the next drawing tutorial I'll be copying:

Oh f***. This one looks hard. That elephant's all realistic n shit.

Well, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, so ... drumroll please .......

HERE IS MY ELEPHANT!

He looks pretty good! I mean, he apparently has face cancer and lost his front leg to diabetes, but other than that he looks great!

But that tutorial was super involved and definitely not likely to be something I'm going to follow step by step in the future. So what happens when I try to freehand draw an elephant now?

THIS HAPPENS:

That tail is NSFW.

Damn! My elephant-drawing skillz have improved dramatically! But for the final exam, I need to see if I still remember how to draw sharks and birds. Because learning new things is useless if you just forget it all the next day.

The shark:

And finally, the bird:

They're like the A-Team! Except they're not. They're more like the F-team.

Ugh. I'll show myself out.

Going to the Fair: It's different with small children ...

Ahh, the good ol' State Fair. What a fun place to hang out! When you go there as an adult, you might go on a roller coaster or sip from a flask while riding through the haunted house. You might blow $20 playing games you know are rigged, but they're fun so you play them anyway. You will definitely eat curly fries and funnel cake and corn dogs and deep fried butter until you feel physically ill. You might even go see a concert or a rodeo. Going to the Fair as an adult is fun as hell.

Lol this guy might even die!

But going to the fair with little kids? Oh god. No.


For starters, there are the strollers to consider. Have you ever been in a crowded place and been incredibly annoyed by all the people with strollers blocking the aisles and clipping people's heels? Me too! Those people are annoying as f***!

Know what's even worse? Trying to negotiate a crowded place full of people with strollers while you also have a stroller. Trying not to block the aisles or clip anyone in the heels ... except oh, now your kid wants to look at a llama, or eat a cracker, so you have to try and pull over out of everyone's way, but no matter where you pull over you're going to end up blocking someone and pissing off someone so eventually you just say f*** it and become one of those aisle-blocking heel-clipping assholes you used to hate. It's unavoidable.

This picture is giving me anxiety.

The Fair turned me into a person I hate. I resent the Fair for that.


And then there's the food. America is full of people who are fat, and the main reason people are so fat is because they love eating awful unhealthy food. So there we were at the Fair with a very impressionable young baby. She's learning to eat adult food, and is always interested in trying whatever we've got. Does this mean I'm supposed to give an 11 1/2 month old baby some deep fried butter to eat? Should I give her a taste of my ice cream? If I give her a bite of this deep fried Krusty Pup corn dog, am I going to create a monster who demands nothing but corn dogs from now on? Will she recoil in horror from the plate of tofu and zucchini I put in front of her, screaming instead for curly fries with ketchup??

I decided to play it safe and only shared part of my scone with her. And then made her eat turkey and cheese with bread while I stood out of sight slurping down a gigantic chocolate milkshake.

NOW I WANT ANOTHER ONE.

Also, if you were wanting to go on any rides or play any games, you're dreaming. No matter how many times I assured the carnie that I had "a strong grip" and would "really hold her tight," he still wouldn't let me take Audrey on the Zipper.

Uhh, even if I dropped her, those cages are fully enclosed so it's not like she'd go far. I think that carnie was just drunk with power.

Nope, if you want amusement at the Fair with small children, you're going to have to get it somewhere else: the animal barns.

Did you childless folk even know that there are animals in barns at the Fair? Like, a whole ton of them. Every animal you can think of. It's madness!!!

Maybe not every animal.

We started out in the cow barn, pushing our strollers between stalls of giant lowing beasts standing with their assholes pointed directly at us. My brother in law made a comment about how it would suck if the cows had diarrhea, and suddenly I was afraid because I hadn't even thought of that. So I tried to push Audrey's stroller a little faster, desperate to get it out of the line of fire in case one of those cows was about to have a bad reaction to some deep fried butter it ate.

"When it comes out of your bum like a bullet from a gun ..."

We got out of the cow barn and back to the relative safety of the great outdoors, but immediately my two-year-old niece started having a meltdown. She wasn't done looking at the cows! SHE WANTED MORE COWS!! And when you take little kids to the Fair, if you think for one second that you are going to be setting the agenda, well then you are naive and a fool.

We tried enticing her with tales of whatever animals lived in the next barn. "You don't want to see more cows! You want to see ... the SHEEP!" But she was not having it, and so her dad took her back in the Diarrhea Barn to run the gauntlet one last time while the rest of us moved on to the next barn.

"When it's running down your legs like a plate of scrambled eggs ..."

We visited llama and alpacas. We made eyes with goats. We strolled past pigs. We made a special stop in the rabbit and poultry barn, where I took Audrey out of the stroller and let her have a good look at the bunnies and at some newly-hatched chicks in a big incubator. She was as happy as a baby could be, trying to leap out of my arms and into the incubator where she would almost certainly strangle and smash the little chicks to death one by one.

We even went into the horse barn, despite my incredible and well-documented fear of horses. Luckily, they were contained in stalls with heavy steel doors to keep their bloodlust under control. Extra luckily, the barn with the draft horses was closed to the public because they were preparing for a show of some kind. Those big f**kers aren't locked behind steel bars, but are just milling about in open stalls like the cows, ready to indiscriminately murder or spray diarrhea onto unsuspecting Fair visitors. We looked at them from behind a rope, and then went and got ice cream.

(in deep bassy voice) 

WHEN YOUR STOMACH IS IN PAIN AND YOU'RE MAKING CHOCOLATE RAIN ...

By the time we left, we had spent $12 on parking, $20 on tickets, $5 on a shitty photo strip that washed us all out until we looked like vampires, $25 on food, and several hours clipping people in the heels and dodging airborne diarrhea while playing NASCAR with strollers through barns that smelled like the inside of a cow's asshole.

Remind me again why we thought this was a good idea??

Oh yeah -- that's why. 

Sigh. See you again next year, Fair.

Animated GIF Friday! Never trust a turtle.

I shorted you all one blog post this week, but you probably didn't notice and I'm not really all that sorry, so I guess there we have it.

But here is an animated GIF telling the story of the turtle and the seal. Never trust those slow bastards. They're deadbeats.

Awesome life hacks to make things easier for you

I love life hacks! Some of them are so clever, and really make things easier!

The following list of life hacks do not fit that description in the slightest.


1. Use a spray bottle to coat bread with egg for French Toast

I love French Toast. Does anyone not love French Toast? It's so tasty!

But let's be real here -- it's kind of a pain in the ass to make. I mean, first you have to scramble up your eggs in one bowl, and then you have to soak the bread in the egg one slice at a time, which gets raw egg all over your fingers and that's pretty unpleasant ... and then you're stuck trying to multitask, dipping more bread into egg while your first slices overcook and start to burn in the pan on the stove. There are just too many steps!

"French toast for breakfast? But we have to be at your mother's in three hours!"

Want to make it a lot easier? Here's a great idea: once your bottle of Windex finally runs out, rinse the bottle out a few times and refill it with Better'n Eggs liquid scrambled egg. Lay out all your pieces of bread in a row, and then go down the row spraying them with egg! It might take a few squirts per piece to get them really covered, but that's no skin off your back -- it's super easy to just pull the trigger on the spray bottle a couple extra times. Once the bread is all coated on one side, put the slices in the pan and spray the other side while the first side cooks. You'd have to be an idiot NOT to give this life hack a try!

Spray eggs? You can have that idea for free, egg product manufacturers.

2. Use a spray bottle to wash your baby in the bath

Once babies reach a certain age, giving them baths becomes quite a challenge. All they want to do is play with their bath toys and splash around, rather than sitting still and getting washed. So, how do we handle it? Simple! Fill an old Tilex bottle with water and a bit of baby soap, and mist the baby's face and hair with it while they're distracted playing with a rubber ducky!

You can then fill a separate spray bottle with pure water, and spray them with this one to wash off the soap from the first bottle. Your baby will be clean as a summer's day, and with no tears and no fuss.

"I love bathtime!"

3. Use a spray bottle to mist olive oil onto a pan before cooking

This is such a no-brainer I hardly even have to explain it! If you're not into using Pam because it's all aerosolized and you don't trust it, just fill an old Off bug spray bottle with olive oil and cook away. Just make sure the sprayer is aimed directly at the pan -- you know how those pesky bug spray bottles love to turn and nail you right in the face when you're not paying attention ;-)

"Dammit, this is the fourth time this week!"

4. Use a spray bottle to achieve perfect gravy distribution over your Thanksgiving dinner

If you're like me, then you find that getting the right amount of gravy on your Thanksgiving dinner is quite a challenge. I dig a pit in my mashed potatoes and fill it with gravy, but then it ends up overflowing and now there's gravy on my sweet potato casserole, which I specifically did not f***ing want to happen. And turkey can't hold onto gravy to save its life. I end up eating dry turkey while all the gravy I poured over it ends up soaking into my dinner roll, rendering it inedibly mushy.

STOP THE MADNESS. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

Just take an old bottle of Resolve carpet cleaner and give it a good rinsing out, and blammo -- you've got your own perfect gravy dispenser! If you only want gravy on specific foods, spray it from close by. If you want gravy over your entire meal, spray it from higher up. Spray as many times as you need to get the job done! Then pass the bottle around the table so your family and friends can enjoy it as well!

Not to mention the incredible joy that will come from the annual Thanksgiving Gravy Fight!

5. Use a spray bottle to put syrup on your breakfast

Stack of pancakes? Simply spray syrup on each bite before you eat it! That delicious French Toast we made using the spray bottle of eggs up top? Mist that bitch in a fine coating of nature's finest sweet sauce!

Hell, spray some directly into your mouth if you want! I won't tell a soul.

Yummers!

6. Use a spray bottle to butter your corn on the cob

Oh wait, someone already thought of this one.

And we own it, and we love it, and I'm not even joking.

Good luck, guys, and let me know if you end up trying any of these ideas! I'd love to hear your feedback!

The worst fanfic you ever read: Part 1

I'm in a bad mood because of something I saw on Facebook (really), so I'm going to distract myself from my seething anger by writing some fanfic. Don't expect it to make sense. Don't expect it to stick to one genre.

Expect only madness.


Princess Leia awakens with a start to the sound of her boyfriend's alarm going off. She is instantly annoyed, having warned him before that he needed to change his alarm tone to something other than its current "BONKBONKBONK" sound. But once again, he had forgotten to do it.

Amazingly, he seems impervious to the noise, continuing to sleep next to her without stirring at all. She gives him a hard shake. "Justin!" she hisses. "Wake up and turn off that godforsaken alarm!"

He lifts his head with a groggy look, his tight curls dented on one side from the pillow. "Oh, sorry babe," he murmurs, finally silencing the alarm. "I know you asked me to change it to a different sound, but I forgot. You know I hate doing anything to annoy you." He flashes his million-dollar smile at her, and Leia feels her annoyance ebb somewhat. "To annoy either of you," he adds, reaching out to rub a hand over her enormous pregnant belly.

"Oh, it's alright," she says. "I'm sure I wouldn't have slept much longer anyway. I can't remember the last time I was comfortable enough to sleep properly." She rubs her belly lovingly.

"I still can't believe I'm going to be a father soon," he says, dreamy. "Little Justin Timberlake Junior is going to be so good-looking. Women won't stand a chance when he's around!"

Leia groans. "We've been over this, Justin. I'm not naming him after you. It's not happening. We're going to call him Luke, to honor my brother. I thought you were on board with this."

He sighs. "I was for a while, but the thing is ... look, Leia: your brother choked to death on a marble. That's gotta be one of the stupidest ways a person has ever died. I know you love him, and he was a great Jedi and all, but I'm not naming my son after someone who died while trying to win a bet with Lindsay Lohan. And for $20! It'll be all I think about every time I say his name. It's not happening, alright?"

Leia sits with her arms crossed and lips pursed, looking furious. "Not even six in the morning and we're already starting with this shit, huh?"

"Ugh, fine, we'll name him Luke. Little Luke Marblechoker Timberlake. Happy?"

"Skywalker-Timberlake. Why would he only take your name?"

Justin closes his eyes again, massaging his temples. This was going to be a long day.


An hour later, they are both dressed and on their way to the Justice League meeting. 

"I'm fine with the doughnut hair, but I don't know why I have to wear this white robe everywhere," Leia complains. "I look like an absolute whale. I'd feel much more comfortable in some of the cute maternity clothes they have at Pea in the Pod. But noooo; instead I have to wear this big shapeless SHEET so everyone can laugh at me. Did you hear Elmo in there last week? It was one rude one-liner after another. I could have killed him I was so angry."

"Well, why didn't you say anything to me? I would have put him in his place for you!"

Leia laughs derisively. "No offense, babe, but ... I don't think so."

"You don't think I could beat up Elmo?"

She shrugs.

"You're serious?"

"You're good at other things, babe."

He rubs his temples again.

They arrive at the Justice League headquarters, where Elmo is standing outside smoking a joint. "I thought today's forecast called for blue skies!" he calls out when he sees them. "But that's gotta be the biggest, fattest white cloud I've ever seen in my life!" [author note: did you install cloud-to-butt yet? if so, that line was like a double entendre or something]

"You leave my girlfriend alone!" Justin yells back, puffing out his chest like an angry gorilla. "She's beautiful and natural and perfect just the way she is!"

Elmo takes a drag on his joint, holding his breath for several long seconds afterwards before finally blowing the smoke out directly into Justin's face. "Put Jabba in the slave girl bikini and chain him to her. She's more Hutt than he'll ever be."

Just as Justin is winding up to punch Elmo right in his soft red mouth, Flo from the Progressive commercials comes running up to them. "Both of you, stop it right now!" she shrieks. "We're supposed to be a team, fighting crime and evil all across the world! Not fighting each other!"

Suddenly, a loud alarm begins to blare, being broadcast through sirens inside and outside the Justice League building. The front doors of the building fly open and Batman comes running down the stairs. "Come on you guys, quit standing around jerking each other off and get moving! The United Nations building is under attack!"

"Oh no!" Leia cries. "Who is attacking them??"

"Looks like the Decepticons have teamed up with some middle school bullies and all hell is breaking loose!"

Justin Timberlake looks terrified. "M- m- middle school bullies?" he whispers.

"Oh for f**k's sake, Timberlake, man up!" Batman orders, slapping Justin hard across the face. "You're a grown man, an international sensation, and an incredibly talented singer, dancer, and actor. You don't need to be afraid of middle school bullies anymore."

"He's probably afraid of them because he's secretly a fa**ot," Elmo snorts, carefully putting out his joint and sticking it into a pocket on his body like a weird red kangaroo.

"Oh, you wanna talk about people who are 'secret fa**ots,' Elmo?" Leia responds. "Ernie and Bert told me alllllll about your last birthday party."

Elmo blushes. "They're full of shit!"

"ENOUGH ARGUING" Batman and Flo both scream at the same time. "WE NEED TO GET MOVING TO SAVE THE DAMNED UNITED NATIONS!" Then the two of them kiss each other passionately for several minutes while the others stand around looking uncomfortable.


The rest of the Justice League meets them at the United Nations building, where Decepticons have transformed into stacks of furniture to block all the entrances. The bullies mill around shouting insults at anyone who gets too close. "Well, look who it is," one of them shouts when they see the group approaching. "Hamburglar? More like ham-smuggler. In dat ass. Because your ass is big. And fat." 

The Hamburglar immediately tries to cover his rear end with his hands, ketchup tears welling up in his big hamburger eyes. It takes several minutes of hugging and positive reinforcement from one of the Care Bears before Hamburglar is ready to continue.

"This is ridiculous!" Leia whispers to Flo. "When did the Justice League turn into such damned pussies?"

"I don't know, but it's embarrassing," Flo whispers back, snapping a full magazine into her AR-15 rifle and chambering a round authoritatively.

"I agree," Taylor Swift says, coming up behind them with a machete in her hand. "It's the men who are the worst, too. What's with that?"

Leia admires Taylor's thigh-high combat boots and leather booty shorts as she passes. She flashes back to that crazy night six years ago when Taylor confessed that she had never "gone gay" before and was curious to try it. Oh man, what fun they'd had! Too bad Taylor hadn't been interested in continuing the affair afterwards. She'd just written some song about it and moved on.

Remembering that night was making Leia feel a little moist between the legs. A lot moist, actually. Oh shit, she thought -- this isn't arousal. This is my water breaking!

"JUSTIN!" she shouts, her voice carrying loudly over the insults of the bullies. "My water just broke! I'm going to have this baby!!!"

All at once, everyone's attention switches from the battle for the United Nations to the excitement of Princess Leia's impending childbirth. The Decepticons transform back into giant robots and one of them takes off to find clean towels and boiling water. The middle school bullies, terrified of the prospect of a baby coming out of a woman's vagina, leap back onto their bicycles and furiously pedal towards home.

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott runs up to them. "I know how to deliver babies! Do you need help?" he asks.

Leia grabs him by the collar of his shirt and shakes him aggressively. "Yes! This baby is coming right now!"

Justin Timberlake sits on the sidewalk crying while the Decepticons set up a makeshift hospital on the grass outside the UN. "Why didn't we just go to the hospital?" Taylor Swift asks Batman, but he is too busy putting his hands down Flo's pants to answer.

Leia's screams of pain turn into low groans as she starts to push the baby out.

"You can do this! You're doing great!" Tony Abbott encourages her, while the Hamburglar vomits into a bush nearby. "I can see the head! Wow, so much hair!"

With one more big grunt of effort, Leia pushes the baby out and Tony Abbott catches it in a big yellow Microsoft Bob beach towel. He cleans off the face and holds it up Lion King style, shouting "IT'S A BOY!"

Justin Timberlake rushes over to see the baby, but as soon as he lays eyes on it, his smile vanishes. "Leia, what the f**k?!" he says, his voice a mix of anger and surprise. "Why is it ... why is it ..."

"Red?" Tony Abbott volunteers.

"Yes! Why is it red?"

Leia's face is quickly turning just as red as the baby, and her eyes drift involuntarily over to where Elmo has re-lit his joint from earlier.

"THAT. MOTHER. F**KER!" Justin screams, yanking Taylor Swift's machete out of her hand and running towards Elmo.

 ... to be continued, maybe.

The Cloud-to-butt Chrome extension and why you should totally install it

Do you use Google Chrome to surf the web? If not, why the hell not? What do you use? Please don't say "Internet Explorer." Do yourself a favor and get Chrome.

And if you do use Chrome, do yourself a favor and download this extension. Trust me when I say you won't regret it.

Cloud-to-butt is an extension designed for people with the emotional maturity of a 9-year-old. It replaces the word "cloud" with the word "butt" every time it shows up on the internet. It also replaces the phrase "the cloud" with "my butt" so as to create hilarious "upload this to my butt" prompts for those using Cloud storage. 

It does so stealthily and without any warning, like a ninja dropping a whoopie cushion in the middle of the Wikipedia article you're reading. And when you're not expecting a whoopie cushion, nothing on earth is funnier. We already know how much I love the word "butt", so it's like this app was made just for me. I can't even handle how funny it can be.

Still not sold? Check out these screenshots I've taken from around the web:

From an online forum:

I would have been upset too if my butts had hidden the beautiful mountains :-(

And let's not forget to be on guard for ...

This is from a blog post I read that wasn't actually funny at all and was well-written and poignant. Or it would have been, if there wasn't so much talk about butts.

Tornado warning? BE ON THE LOOKOUT!

"Ominous looking butts"

This butt is up to something, for sure.

You don't know what a funnel butt is? No problem -- Wikipedia will be happy to explain it:

Every part of this is hilarious to me.

And did you hear the crazy news that broke over the weekend?

The scary part about this is that it could happen to anyone who uses iCloud for storage of personal information. Is there anything to be done? This article aims to help:

I knew it.